She was 18 years old, a freshman, and had been on campus for just two weeks when one Saturday night last September her friends grew worried because she had been drinking and suddenly disappeared.
Around midnight, the missing girl texted a friend, saying she was frightened by a student she had met that evening. “Idk what to do,” she wrote. “I’m scared.” When she did not answer a call, the friend began searching for her.
In the early-morning hours on the campus of Hobart and William Smith Colleges in central New York, the friend said, he found her — bent over a pool table as a football player appeared to be sexually assaulting her from behind in a darkened dance hall with six or seven people watching and laughing. Some had their cellphones out, apparently taking pictures, he said.
Later, records show, a sexual-assault nurse offered this preliminary assessment: blunt force trauma within the last 24 hours indicating “intercourse with either multiple partners, multiple times or that the intercourse was very forceful.” The student said she could not recall the pool table encounter, but did remember being raped earlier in a fraternity-house bedroom.
The football player at the pool table had also been at the fraternity house — in both places with his pants down — but denied raping her, saying he was too tired after a football game to get an erection. Two other players, also accused of sexually assaulting the woman, denied the charge as well. Even so, tests later found sperm or semen in her vagina, in her rectum and on her underwear.
It took the college just 12 days to investigate the rape report, hold a hearing and clear the football players. The football team went on to finish undefeated in its conference, while the woman was left, she said, to face the consequences — threats and harassment for accusing members of the most popular sports team on campus.
A New York Times examination of the case, based in part on hundreds of pages of disciplinary proceedings — usually confidential under federal privacy laws — offers a rare look inside one school’s adjudication of a rape complaint amid a roiling national debate over how best to stop sexual assaults on campuses.
Whatever precisely happened that September night, the internal records, along with interviews with students, sexual-assault experts and college officials, depict a school ill prepared to evaluate an allegation so serious that, if proved in a court of law, would be a felony, with a likely prison sentence. As the case illustrates, school disciplinary panels are a world unto themselves, operating in secret with scant accountability and limited protections for the accuser or the accused.
At a time of great emotional turmoil, students who say they were assaulted must make a choice: Seek help from their school, turn to the criminal justice system or simply remain silent. The great majority — including the student in this case — choose their school, because of the expectation of anonymity and the belief that administrators will offer the sort of support that the police will not.
Yet many students come to regret that decision, wishing they had never reported the assault in the first place.
These pills hit me harder than your words did when you told me you were leaving- But I can still feel it.
I can still feel the broken pieces of my heart that shattered like glass in my chest, no matter how high I get, the butterflies you killed inside me, won’t let me forget.
Your name still breaks me as cliché as that sounds but I can’t get around the emptiness you left me with-
Was it too much of a risk to leave me whole? Were you afraid another soul would’ve loved me better if you would’ve left something in me worth loving?
You took everything.
I don’t know if it’s the dead butterflies in my stomach or the broken glass in my chest but it hurts to breathe.
I didn’t expect to be saved but you didn’t have to tear me limb from limb.
When you love someone you just, you… you don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just- you don’t give up because if I could give up… If I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and- and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But that is not what this is.
Disclosure | Latch (Daniela Andrade cover)
And now I’m looking at you… and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before.. but it took years to do it – but, since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me.
Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it’s too late. Say what you’re feeling. Waiting is a mistake.
U know how in winter it gets so cold and u think u will never be hot again and in summer it gets so hot u think u will never be cold again I think that is how it is with ur feelings like when u r sad u think u will never be happy and when u r happy u think u will never be sad. But u will be hot again and u will be cold again and u will be sad again but most of all u will be happy again
This is so relevant
It’s crazy how someone can break your heart but you still love them with all the little pieces.
It’s kinda sad isn’t it?
That someone could hurt you so much that you have to write about it.